Monday, July 31, 2006

Me, Myself and I

Let's see. Now this kind of exercise I find inordinately difficult. I can blabber on for a thousand words about nothing in particular, but as soon as it comes to writing something about myself, I clam up. Yes, I know that says something about my psyche, but I didn’t stay in therapy long enough to find out.

I’ve been having a bit of a crap time recently, so I thought maybe writing this in some way might prove to be therapeutic.

Let’s start with some concrete facts - I’m 21. I’ve just finished three years of studying media at college. I have an older brother, mum, dad and wonderful sister-in-law to-be. I have many cousins, aunts, uncles and two grand-parents. I have a cat and a goldfish. I can ride a bike, but not drive a car. You see? This is what I do. None of this really says anything about me, Does it? Not really.

Right now, I feel in limbo. I haven’t got a job yet, and that is hugely frustrating. I don’t suit not having a focus, a purpose, a structure to my day. It’s drives me bananas. Hence this blog - some small focus. Things feel in flux for other reasons, too. Change has been very present, not only in my life, but in the lives of others I know. One of my closest friends, G, moved to Edinburgh last year and I don’t see nearly enough of her now. Phone calls, emails and texts just aren’t the same. For me, that is one of life’s greatest pleasures - sitting having a conversation with someone and really, really opening up. Talking about the stuff that scares you, the stuff that makes you happy. And, for me anyway, there are a very, very select few who I (can) do this with. On the flip side of this, it’s also fantastic to sit with a person who you can open to, but talking utter balls; things of no consequence at all. Relaxing and not worrying about how you look, or if you say something daft, because you know that if they laugh, it’s with you, not at you. These are highly underrated pleasures, I think. I don’t find it easy to trust people, you see. Really trust them. It takes a long time. I mean, we’re talking years, really. Anytime I’ve let things slip to people I haven’t known that long, I usually regret it. There’s more to all this, but not for me to write about now.

For me, people are life. I want my friends to know that I’m there for them. I want to know they’re there for me too. I’m not really into material goods or the like, for me happiness in life is about experiences and the people you share them with. That’s what I’ll look back on when I’m 90. Not the big-screen TV or iPod or anyone of that guff. I’ll think about the people I’ve met and how they’ve affected me.

While I’m busy sitting here feeling sorry for myself, I know that I will feel better. I’ve been down a lot further than this and lived to tell about it. I just have to stick with it, using the tricks I’ve learned to keep myself afloat. I think writing is one of them. I enjoy the process, anyway, and that’s what all this is about, I think - the journey, not the ending.

PS - Man, I wish I could think of better titles.


At 5:58 PM, Blogger SandDancer said...

Sorry you are feeling a bit low. It is understandable though when lots of things in your life are in a state of change. A few years ago I was made redundant and I felt really lost not having an obvious structure to my day.

I must say though, without wanting to sound patronising, that you are incredibly articulate for a 21 year old.

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Suz said...

Thank you. I'm blushing now! That's such a nice thing to say - I really appreciate it :-)

At 6:55 PM, Blogger Jen said...

Suz-I can totally relate to you.I too, as you probably know from reading my blog, don't have a job either and it really gets me down sometimes.

Change sucks sometimes, doesn't it? I hate that limbo feeling that you mentioned, it's a real nothingness feeling isn't it?

I can't really think of any useful advice, maybe take some time to really pamper yourself, to really have some 'me' time.This will be something to focus on and look forward too as well. Sorry, that probably sounds really trite, but can't think of a better way to put it?

Take care of yourself, Jen xx

At 7:01 PM, Blogger Inspector Monkfish said...

I feel I should say something, but I'm not really sure what to say, so I think I'll just echo sanddancer's sentiments. I definitely have to agree on the "articulate" bit. There have definitely been a few words you've used in your blog where I've thought, "I wonder what that means" :) (to an extent, I bung this all under the "cultured" heading :)

Will it be "G"'s floor that you expect to have been kipping on a lot by the end of August (re. "The Fringe, soba noodles and being star-struck") ?
If so, at least that will be something to look forwards to :) Some of the best conversations happen with good friends on long nights :)

Oh, one last (silly) thing before I stop for now... Perhaps you should try training the cat to ride a bike, whilst balancing (and not eating) the goldfish on its nose.

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Suz said...

Jen: I did notice you were also on in a similar position to me. Your advice doesn't sound trite at all. For me, the difficulty is that I can't enjoy the free time, because it seems to stretch on to infinity. Must try harder, because, of course, when I do get a job, I'll be moaning I don't have enought time!

Take care xx

IM: Thank you :-) I didn't think I used to especially big words! I mean, I haven't used subversive or concomitant yet!

Yes, that would be G's floor. Don't know how she'll feel it yet, though! I agree - some of the best conversations with friends have been in the wee small hours.

Btw, my cat can already ride a bike whle balancing the goldfish on it's nose. Honestly, I only have the most talented pets :-D

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Inspector Monkfish said...

In a break from tradition, I appear to have started with the PSs. I hadn't worked out what else I wanted to say until after I wrote them ;)

PS. "My Family and Other Animals" as blog title? ;) (j/k!! :)
PPS. Didn't mean to ignore Jen, but her comment wasn't there when I started ;)

The cat thing is impressive... I'll accept you have too much time ;)

Sorry, I've resorted to saying random silly things on account of being unable to think of anything insightful and inspiring.

On reflection, it does suck that we spend all this time looking for a job, and then that's it for 45 years. I won't be able to achieve the many many projects I have ideas for by then! (Too many ideas to focus on when I was unemployed for a year ;)

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Suz said...

I have *plenty* of things I'd like to achieve, but unfortunately, I need money for quite a few of them! Oh, well, must keep going. I'm planning on teaching the cat to juggle next. Will have to get another goldfish for that, though...

At 12:26 AM, Blogger Inspector Monkfish said...

lol :) Poor fish :)

Incidentally, I know you're not exactly in a completely cheery place right now, but the way you describe your outlook look on life in this still sounds half-full to me :)

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Suz said...

Thanks. I'm glad it sounds that way, because somtimes there are moments when I really, really struggle :-(


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